Frame It With Gratitude

Such a simple thing to do, but such profound effects. give it a try.

Hi Fabulous Marc – I am wondering what you think about this article – 

Do you think open relationships work? Are they, in fact, BETTER for gay men?

Sincerely,

Marc Andrews

Open Wide?

Dear Open Wide
I have been doing research in the dynamic of gay relationships for a long time and have been very interested in this study. Do open relationships work? Yes, do closed relationships work? Yes, do dominant / submissive relationships work? Yes, do older and younger relationships work, yes.  The fact of the matter is there are as many varieties of types of relationships as there are relationships out there.  All have their pros and cons.  We have seen that marriage does not work for all heterosexuals with divorce reaching close to 50%.  Homosexuals have been in the forefront of exploring different types of relationships as a result of not being bound by the myopic view that all relationships must lead to marriage.

The key factor in whether a relationship works, what ever the type of relationship is, is communication. Again, this is an area that I feel that homosexuals have been free to develop more than heterosexuals.  As long as the individuals involved, and I say individuals meaning two, three, four and so on, communicate openly and honestly about their needs, desires, and boundaries, relationships can work for as long as they meet the needs of all those involved.  I think a another misguided notion is that a relationship is only successful if the individuals stay involved till “death do them part.”  A relationship can be successful if it is entered into openly and honestly and can be successful if it ends with openness and honesty.  We as GLBT have the ability to really look at some of the misguided things that we have been taught.  “That their is one true love of our life out there” with the number of people on this planet, I think it would be safe to say that there are probably a number of true loves for each and every one of us.  Or the “love of your life will fulfill all yours needs in life”  Really?  That really puts a lot of pressure on your partner and limits yourself.  We don’t just have one friend but many friends with who we share interest.  How can one person be the end all and be all for us?

Now do not mistake this as me being against marriage for GLBT individuals or advocating for open relationships.  But rather we should have the right to have the type of relationship that we feel work for us.  Whether that is marriage to one person, an open relationship, polyamorous relationships, or deciding to be single and surrounding yourself with many close friends.  We have so many possibilities!

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R. Marc Andrews is a counselor in Portland, Oregon specializing in gay male relationships and issues.

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PLEASE READ CAREFULLY: This is an advice column. It should never take the place of therapy offered by a licensed professional. Neither R. Marc Andrews nor Fabulous PDX bears any liability for the advice given or your interpretation of it. If you need help, please contact 911.

Tags: advice, open relationships

From the personal stories of seven diverse men who have struggled, or continue to struggle, with eating disorders and body image issues, Do I Look Fat? uncovers reoccurring and interconnecting themes that support this “self-esteem disorder.” Themes such as childhood wounding, internalized homophobia, the effects of HIV/AIDS on the body and the prevalence of substance abuse histories are among a few that underscore the film. Perhaps most importantly, the film doesn’t shy away from asking why these common histories have, until now, been left in the proverbial closet at a community level.

This is a great resource page. And it is encouraging to see that this issue is being addressed. Go to the page and take a look at the supporting pages

Something about our society puts individuals with minority sexual orientations at high risk for victimization. This is a major public health problem that needs to be addressed.

Gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and heterosexuals who have ever had a same-gender sex partner are one and one half to two times more likely to have experienced violent events during childhood.

CONCLUSION

Implications for our practice

What can we, as helping professionals, do? To begin with, we must focus on the gay population in general. We must counter homophobia and be sensitive to the effects it has had on gay men and lesbians. For example, gays may have internalized the same homophobia, and thus, may be self-punitive because of it. Any practician with a homophobic attitude will behave in a way that is counter-productive and counter-therapeutic. These practicians will not be effective in working with their gay/lesbian clientele.

Next we should consider that the quality of care we give can be enhanced by having open communication with our lesbian or gay client. Without this, clients are naturally going to be hesitant to relate all information, perhaps hindering their access to appropriate help.

Advocacy is another service we can give to our gay/lesbian clients. An example of this would be supporting clients’ right to have a lover/partner visit in the hospital, even if their relationship makes some of the hospital staff uncomfortable. Advocacy could also entail supporting a client’s wish to have a partner/lover, rather than a family member, make crucial medical decisions. The key element to consider in advocating for your client is self-determination, that is, freewill. It is not up to us to make judgments about when it is best that someone’s sexuality be discussed, even if we think it would be helpful to the person, for example in the case of health care. Another way we can help is to be educators. We can reduce many health problems by providing programs that are aimed at being non-judgmental and promoting the concept that self-knowledge is important. For example, we should point out to lesbians who avoid routine pelvic examinations and pap tests, that this avoidance is not in their best interests since it is not only heterosexual women who need to be concerned about cervical cancer. Practicians can also act as educators for their co-workers or other professionals, sharing what we have learned or experienced through working with gays. We might also encourage exploration of literature in this area.

Schools can and should play a better role in education. Birth control and sexually transmitted disease prevention are taught, but issues associated with the gay/lesbian communities are ignored, especially in relation to the elderly communities. This needs to be corrected.

Service development is yet another area we can focus on. Health centers for lesbians and gay men that would compensate for the inadequacy of the usual health arena would be one area for development; or we could advocate the realignment of existing systems to give better care to the population. Older gays also need places for recreation. This segment of the population is not yet considered in the planning of new or existing resources.

We must recognize the aging concerns of the gay population. We have discussed them through this paper: isolation, self-imposed secrecy and vulnerability. The legal issues of wills, curatorship, visitation rights, family conflicts and so on must be incorporated into our existing services.

Bereavement counseling does not exist in the gay community, except in some AIDS organizations. Some of the issues a gay person encounters at this time include reactions of health care professionals and funeral directors, and those of the bereaved’s nuclear family or employer. These may worsen an already difficult time.

The elderly gay people we will be in contact with have experienced severe oppression throughout their lives. In the future, however, we can hope that the following generations will experience more and more liberation from the condemnation society has imposed. We can correct many problems by having professional staff who are properly trained in the concerns of the gay/lesbian community and who are not homophobic.

We can support community initiatives such as the “Green Carnation Seniors Program”, which is attempting to fill a gap in services to elderly gays and lesbians in Montreal. This program, which started in earnest in the fall of 1990, is designed to help them with such areas as shopping, trips to doctors, friendly visiting, estate planning, bereavement and other counseling, contact with the gay/lesbian communities; in short, to combat isolation and loneliness.

We must start somewhere! Why not start with ourselves?

A great 8-part article concerning lesbians and gay men over 60. This is a link to the last part (the conclusion) but the rest is well worth reading. The challenges that this population is facing have been long ignored, and are individual to them. And with the baby boomers moving in to this age range, it is vital that we begin addressing these issues.

I have been told recently, that there is a relation between homosexuality and pedophilia. That is true,” he told a news conference. “That is the problem.

While I am trained as a practitioner/scientist, I do not clam to have access to all academic research, but a 0.50 min. search on Google produces the following article

“Facts About Homosexuality and Child Molestation” http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/HTML/facts_molestation.html

that states “The empirical research does not show that gay or bisexual men are any more likely than heterosexual men to molest children. This is not to argue that homosexual and bisexual men never molest children. But there is no scientific basis for asserting that they are more likely than heterosexual men to do so.”

And as far as Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone statement that psychologist and psychiatrist have demonstrated no relation between celibacy and pedophiles; the article also stats the following “The distinction between a victim’s gender and a perpetrator’s sexual orientation is important because many child molesters don’t really have an adult sexual orientation. They have never developed the capacity for mature sexual relationships with other adults, either men or women.” This would seem to me the exact situation that celibacy creates when a young man enters the priesthood.

But again I am not as learned as the Vatican secretary of state.

Please take time and read the research article in full, presenting the facts to others is our greatest response to these lies.

now you can keep your beautiful brain as happy and healthy as your beautiful body.  May you enjoy them both.

In our craze to stay physical young we often do forget our brain.