Author Archives: R. Marc Andrews

The Hallmarks Of A Resilient Relationship: Harmony Rupture Repair

The Cycle of A Couple’s Relationship

“Happily Ever After.”

relationships cycle & gay couple counseling can helpHow many times have you heard that phrase?

Speaking for myself, it is many, many, many. And every single time I hear it, I wince.

Since the phrase is used so often to describe the hopes and expectations of people in relationships, I do find myself wincing a lot.

Every couples therapist knows that happiness in a long-term relationship does not come easily. Both members of every couple must fight for their love each and every day. Anyone who has successfully navigated a successful long-term relationship or marriage knows that there is no such thing as happily ever after.

Nevertheless, common culture continues to promote the notion that when you find the right person, things should naturally flow in a positive direction. Nothing could be further from the truth.

One of the worst enemies of happiness in a relationship is stagnation. The couple that stops growing together ends up growing apart. In every successful relationship, each member of the couple must be challenging the other to grow and change in meaningful ways.

It’s not about changing into a different person for your partner; it’s only about listening to your partner’s feelings and needs and making an honest effort, out of love, to meet them. As long as your partner is asking for healthy things (even if they’re painful or difficult), this is a process of pushing each other to grow. That is the hallmark of a successful relationship.

When you are truly in a relationship that is working, there must be friction to keep both partners growing. The friction shows that you are being honest with each other and that you are willing to fight for the relationship. The changes you make for each other are both an expression of your love and a product of your love.

Every healthy relationship follows a predictable, productive pattern. This pattern is the hallmark of a healthy, stimulating, growing, resilient relationship.

Harmony — Rupture — Repair

  • Harmony: This is everyone’s favorite part of the relationship cycle. It’s the feeling you have when things are going smoothly between you and your partner. You’re enjoying each other’s company and you are getting along. No fighting, no friction. This is what people are imagining when they utter the phrase “happy ever after.” And it’s the picture that popular culture likes to paint of successful relationships. Everyone would like to believe that this is how relationships are supposed to be. But actually, this stage must be earned not just once, but over and over again.
  • Rupture: It is actually not humanly possible for the Harmony stage to last forever. Every single coupling of human beings on this earth is on a path toward rupture. It’s not a matter of whether a rupture will occur; it is a matter of when. But the good news is that ruptures are not bad. They are actually opportunities to deepen, enrich and enliven the relationship. The rupture holds the passion and the clash brings out the feeling. And feeling is the glue and spice that makes every relationship valuable and worthwhile.
  • Repair: The Repair phase is where the real work happens. What do you need your partner to do to fix this problem, and what can you do to make him happy? Working out a new understanding or a compromise, or deciding to work toward a change communicates love and care, shows commitment and builds trust with each other. When you do this phase right, you continually learn more and more relationship skills that you can use over and over again, making problems become less and less painful as they happen. Going through rough waters together and coming through to the other side intact propels you into the Harmony phase, where you enjoy the love and dedication and care that has been there all along.

If you grew up in a family that avoided conflict, squelched emotions or discouraged meaningful conversation (Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN), you are at great risk of avoiding or squelching the healthy rupture your relationship needs or being unable to initiate and/or tolerate the meaningful conversation to repair it.

If you grew up with CEN, learning that rupture in your adult relationship is not a failure but an opportunity can open doors to building valuable communication and emotion skills and to a much more rewarding and resilient relationship.

Harmony – Rupture – Repair – Harmony – Rupture – Repair – Harmony – Rupture – Repair. On and on it goes, one phase following another. It’s not a sign of a problem, but a sign of health and love and commitment.

The harmony brings the joy, the rupture stokes the passion and the repair builds the trust.

And that’s what “Happily Ever After” actually looks like. For more info on counseling for individuals or couples, make an appointment.

PsychCentral.com

Couples & Marriage Counseling For Change

Need a Couples Therapist to Help With Your Relationship Problems?

Worried You Might Break Up?

Are you looking for couples counseling in Chicago because you are concerned about your relationship? Worried that your marriage may not make it over the long term? Are you tired of arguing, bickering or worse – the silent treatment?

Perhaps you are struggling in your marriage or long term relationship. Maybe you have reached a place of being sick and tired of the same old arguments that repeat themselves over and over again.

The anger, resentment and dissatisfaction may have you thinking to yourself: “Is this really worth it?”

Try and you might, attempts to fix your relationship problems just don’t seem to be working. The criticism, blaming and apathy have reached a point where the both of you are completely over it.

And while there still may be love between you, it just doesn’t seem like it will be enough to make positive change.

If all all of this sounds familiar, you have come to the right place.

Continue Reading.

Are Unpleasant Emotions Part of Happiness?

What Emotions Help Your Life Satisfaction?

Feeling emotions they desire can help in life counseling.

A new study suggests it is okay if we are not always happy. In fact, investigators discovered life satisfaction is a product of experiencing both negative and positive emotions.

In an international study, researchers discovered people may be happier when they feel the emotions they desire, even if those emotions are unpleasant, such as anger or hatred.

“Happiness is more than simply feeling pleasure and avoiding pain. Happiness is about having experiences that are meaningful and valuable, including emotions that you think are the right ones to have,” said lead researcher Maya Tamir, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem.

“All emotions can be positive in some contexts and negative in others, regardless of whether they are pleasant or unpleasant.” Continue reading →

7 Tips for Supporting Your Partner After a Devastating Loss

When Your Partner Has Had a Loss

LGBT grief counseling

It can be hard to know what to say.

It can be heartbreaking watching someone you love suffer through a tragic loss.

The loss can take many forms – a death in the family, the passing of a beloved pet, a career setback, a miscarriage – but the aftermath is fairly universal. Your loved one grieves. Sometimes they grieve HARD.

And, as their partner, it’s not always intuitive to know what you should be doing in that situation, particularly if the person you love seems to be spiraling down deeper into their despair.

You can offer condolences, but what’s your role supposed to be in the grieving process?

Are you supposed to be their cheerleader? Are you supposed to be their drill sergeant?

Should you actually be trying to do ANYTHING during their grieving or do you need to just sit back and let it happen?

But sitting back isn’t always an option, especially if your loved one is having problems with coping with the grief on their own. And, OF COURSE, you want to be doing something constructive. This is someone you love. You want to help. Continue reading →

How Gratitude Can Make Your Life Better

9 Ways to Promote Gratitude in Your Life

Life coaching to allow gratitude into your life.Gratitude is good for us every way you look at it.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California in Riverside, gratitude boosts our happiness levels in a number of ways: by promoting the savoring of positive life experiences; by bolstering self-worth and self-esteem and thereby helping to cope with stress and trauma; by building social bonds and encouraging moral behavior; and by diminishing negative emotions and helping us adjust to new situations.

Gratitude has a number of physical health benefits as well. “Research suggests that individuals who are grateful in their daily lives actually report fewer stress-related health symptoms, including headaches, gastrointestinal (stomach) issues, chest pain, muscle aches, and appetite problems,” says Sheela Raja, PhD, an assistant professor and clinical psychologist in the Colleges of Medicine and Dentistry at the University of Illinois in Chicago.

But how do we get there? For some folks, gratitude is much easier than for others. I, for one, have to work really hard at it because my cup usually appears one-third full. With a few exercises, though, I can become a more grateful person and promote gratitude in my life, which brings many emotional and physical gifts.

1. Go Ahead and Compare

I constantly compare myself to people who are more productive than I am (have more energy and need less sleep), who go to a doctor once a year, and who are resilient to stress. “Why can’t I be like her?” I ask myself. And then I remember Helen Keller’s quote: “Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.” Continue reading →

How You Can Be Happier & Healthier in 2017

The Four Greatest

Psychological Discoveries of 2016

Yes, you have had a lot to deal with in 2016. Your job, your family, your finances, and the election, to name a few.

While your attention has been focused on all of these personal and societal challenges, scientists have been working behind the scenes to learn what you can do to become happier and healthier in 2017 and beyond.

Here are four impactful studies that offer valuable information that can guide your decisions and focus in the coming year. Continue reading →

25 Suggestions for Living a Contented Life by Managing Emotions: Part 1 | The Emotionally Sensitive Person

Emotionally sensitive people react to events quickly and with intense emotions, and then have difficulty getting their emotional reactions to subside. Finding ways to manage emotions effectively can decrease the pain they experience.

via blogs.psychcentral.com

For more information about counseling and psychology, check out my site at RMarcAndrews.com

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